I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
