This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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