I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sext me about skeletons
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
