my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
