I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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