Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
