Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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