You made me cry and you don't even care
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
