I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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