Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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