Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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