I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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