I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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