does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We have started to decorate penises.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
