After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
