Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
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Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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