so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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