he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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