My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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