my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
