Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
