I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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