and she was petting her beer can
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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