Whod you bang
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
