and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
