Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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