Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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