your parents love me but you hate me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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