Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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