Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
