i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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