I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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