just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
True college students do jello shots in the library
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