Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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