So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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