i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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