Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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