mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
