marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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