So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
