Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
