Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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