Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
