I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
try to milk me bitch
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
