We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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