I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
