peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
