Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
this boner is exhausting
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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