I didn't shave. On purpose
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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