Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
