So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
