drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
