Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
