community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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