some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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